Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
