my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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