I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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