Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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