Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
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I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.