Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.