she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.