SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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