Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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