sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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