fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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