I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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