if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
