i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
