My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
