im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
