she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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