when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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