That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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