I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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