Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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