Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She's the barista slut.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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