The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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