saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
