I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
