The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
