I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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