I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
