It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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