I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
