I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
