Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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