i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
