I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
