Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize
