the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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