Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
