My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
