I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
this will be a night to untag.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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