ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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