Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Randomize
