I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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