i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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