just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
