Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
