everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
