you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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