you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize
