All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Everything about him screamed your future.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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