I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
