i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
