Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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