I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
