Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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