I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
