just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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