Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
