Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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