he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
