"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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