Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
