apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
